FOOD POISONING

At the risk of appearing an erudite, I must take it upon myself to further the education of the world on an eternally significant topic, the paramount import of which cannot be overstated, even with the loftiest of claims and the most Herculean of efforts. Atlas himself could not raise such a burden of truth from his shoulders, and all the king's horses and all the king's men cannot repair the monumental consequences should such truth be transgressed. I speak a note of direst warning, a single toll that cries out not just for me, but for all mankind. And womankind.

As you've probably guessed, it's about frozen food, my real area of expertise.

Frozen food is frequently not food.

That is nothing new. If you've ever left a Hot Pocket in your car  amidst the heaps of books and water bottles and tools, only to rediscover it 6 months later (a circumstance I'm sure we all have faced), you may have noticed the complete lack of mold, of bugs, of any real semblance of decay besides becoming wooden in texture. Ham lasts about two to three days in a car before it becomes truly and palpably foul. Milk products spoil after about a week in their vehicular cell. Bread and the like generally lasts a month or two before they too give in. A Hot Pocket made of "ham" and "cheese" and "breaded crust" lasts an eternity.

It really is no wonder that many were recently recalled by federal mandate due to being composed of the meat of "diseased and unsound animals." (It was the Philly cheesesteak Hot Pockets in particular, if you were wondering. If you've eaten one, I'm pretty sure you weren't wondering.) In the immortal words of Jim Gaffigan, "You can have a Hot Pocket for breakfast, a Hot Pocket for lunch, and be dead by dinner."

Just the same, in comparison to many of their frosty peers(exceptions include those amazing frozen lasagnas by Marie Calendar), Hot Pockets are a veritable gem. Take it from one who has oft spelunked those tainted midnight halls of the forgotten frozen food aisle at Walmart, the very halls that most dare not speak of during the day.

This in and of itself is probably a cause for some alarm, but not quite to my point. You can eat a 6 month old Hot Pocket if you chew hard. Not my proudest moment, but I attest that it can be done. I didn't even get sick, either. In like a brick, out like a brick. Unfortunately, however, if you get new, sketchy brands of discount frozen Chinese food, partially defrost them, and then wolf them down while they're still cold and slippery, you have committed a slight in the sight of the ever fickle fecal deities and their companions farther up the digestive tract.

If you do so while also pouring down a milkshake, hot chocolate, and fast food tacos, you set yourself in something of a quandary, confronted with the choice that all of us must face at some point or another: is it better to throw up in the toilet and risk a diarrhetic disaster on the floor behind, or do one's best to hold the vomit back while one's nether bowels work through their agony?

I can give advice one way or another, but untried, you will never really know. You must make this decision for yourself. I pray you choose wisely.

Fortunately I have a wife who works in an ER and managed to bring me a trashcan in time.

The moral of the story, the very point, is thus: I'd have written a more on-topic blog post, but I gave myself food poisoning.

FIRST!

My first post.

So now that I've finished one book and have two full length books well underway, I have decided to begin blogging because there are truly few things more grim than staring into the endless void of approaching agents and realizing that the abyss is not staring back into you. Nietzsche lied. But we all have our shortcomings.

As it is all too inevitable that this will become a platform for writing and networking and feeding my obsessive lusting for words that feel good in my mouth, I will ask you to bear with me. I will attempt to update, keep on topic, have some interesting content regarding those things I am writing or attempting to write or related experiences, and to only sometimes lie about attempting to keep on topic. It may be a bumpy ride, but it will hopefully not be one with absolutely zero merit contained there-in. And who knows? Some people pay extra for chairs that vibrate. You may even find yourself enjoying it.