INSULTS

You fornicator of mothers!

A dire insult. Supposedly. I would dare say that most fathers have managed such a feat if you ignore the tentative implications of incest that have sunk beneath the waves of time along with such Titanics as "stymphalist."

This is a public service announcement about the death of insults, of rudeness, of banal, casual cruelty. People claim that instant gratification is the hallmark of the masses today, but that's silly. That's been the moniker forever. Another aborted insult in lieu of a real observation.

The highest casualty of the times is insults.

The internet causes a lot of things, but one of its greatest crimes (and there are a pantheon of great and unwieldy crimes...) is the dearth of proper diction and conviction to malediction. Too many learn too young the simple, laziest sorts of insults.

To quote a few less-than-eloquent youtube enthusiast examples selected at random:

• "your virgin fags who think this ugly hag is hot lmao" 
• "bitch i'm a womyn in days world. open your eyes, only half off us jerk off to literally anything. your gross penis. fuck off." 

And my personal favorite, 

• "The clean dumbbutt roughly pulls dumbbutt's like this. Fart off, you're a stupidface."

Took about 5 minutes of research on a single video, made a few brief tweaks for formatting sake and to condense the last one, which was posted primarily in two word entries.

These are the insults of weary, distracted, low hanging fruit. I love and support rudeness. It is one of my truest hobbies and penchants. There is a powerful honesty to telling someone you don't like them and want to make their day worse, just as there is a powerful and easy defense of ignoring someone's insults because you do not respect them or their opinion. It's like magic, a battle of arcane incantations and mental defenses.

As with many forms of magic, it is endangered. The state of global mockery is unacceptable. When has it fallen from common conversation to call someone a brochity quim? Why not jumentous helminth? Why not excerebrose carnal byproduct?

Yes, some more colloquial vernacular insults have a glorious ring to them. Hearing my sweet, elegant wife shout "Cocksucker!" at the TV warms my foul, beastly little heart. Shitstain, lint-licking cootie queen, warthog-faced buffoon-- there undeniably ARE acceptable commonplace insults, simply because of the beautiful way they roll off the tongue. But dumbass? Not if you mean it as an actual insult meant to wound. No siree.

Call someone a fopdoodle. Or the unimpressive byproduct of a bowlegged whore whose only qualification for producing even such a loathsome example of humanity was an affinity catching the stray misspent sperm from passing truckers. Either one takes more thought, but what you spend is what you get.

Even simple adjectives. There are few greater insults than "Normal" or "Boring" or "Pathetic" if you make them ring true. Even simply looking slightly above someone's eyes and saying "To speak with you demeans me. I do not hear you." gets some pretty fantastic results. No need for yelling that someone is sexually active. Simply tell them truth of your opinion. If they are a coward, call them one. Have reasons and examples to support it. Offer to make a power point, or devise an illustrative play starring sock puppets.

The best part is, if you use an insult with which the recipient is unacquainted, from the halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli resounds that great and glorious chime of "you're too stupid to understand the insult, but you know you've been insulted."

For how much more can man ask?

The reverse, sadly, is true for most slurs. As everyone's favorite N word (nerfherder, clearly) is bandied about, it makes the speaker seem like the window-licking, fetid scrapings of the stagnant scum that forms a skin across the shallowest parts of the gene pool. Use words that have real, abrasive substance. 

"Stupid" is better than "gay" because stupid has a direct and powerful meaning, while the other means a bunch of things, but mostly sounds like you're subtly inquiring about the sex object preference of the addressed while simultaneously announcing that you are indeed stupid.

Most of the -isms fall in this category. Is there some wiggle room? Sure, but if you believe it, you're still the human equivalent of the fecal slime that accumulates around the mouths of gas station toilets and cannot be removed with even the most ardent bleach and scrubbing.

Now, you say, surely these problems have existed before!

Yes. I'm aware. Shakespeare had his high points when he wrote sonnets, The Lion King, and the comedy about how dreadfully defective are the minds of horny teenagers, but such gems as "fat guts" and the dismal stream of penis-length insults are set solidly at his doorstep. Chaucer was a big fan of dropping a "C" word that I'm omitting because I think it would get me in trouble with the wife(although it was more of a "Q" back then. The problem is not new, even among the greats. But the prevalence of the problem has reached untold heights of ecstatic enthusiasm.

The solution? Simple. 

• Watch shows like Archer. Less Adam Sandler. Meditate carefully upon the nature of your dislike for your fellow man. 

• Stop watching pewdiepie. Go to https://www.reddit.com/r/insults and read. 

• Watch some classic videos like https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PSEYXWmEse8 and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pHWEZ_IjcSk 

You will like the way you insult people. I guarantee it.

The summary: Don't just say "ass," insult with class. Sonuvabitchretardjerkpunksnotnosedgianttwerpscumbagdickheadassholebastardpenisbreath